No One Talks in Coffee Shops Anymore: A Study of Modern Relationships 

Inside one of the many local coffee shops, groups of friends sit together in silence, each person absorbed into the glowing screen of their phone or laptop. Across town, a girl swipes left and right, making split-second decisions on potential romantic partners based on carefully curated profiles. Such instances have been deemed ordinary and acceptable, underscoring a profound shift in the way people form and maintain relationships. The ubiquity of smartphones, social media, and dating apps has drastically altered traditional forms of human connection and interaction, reshaping how we initiate and maintain interpersonal relationships (Ruben et al., 2021).  

This change carries significant implications, as traditional forms of casual spontaneous social interactions are slowly ceasing to exist, being replaced by digital encounters (Ruben et al., 2021). While these technologies promise convenience and efficiency, they have also significantly impacted the frequency of face-to-face interactions and the formation of relationships (Castro & Barrada, 2020). My research investigates this transformation by exploring how the internet and social media have reshaped contemporary dating practices and interpersonal communication. This project reveals that although dating apps and online platforms have become essential tools in modern relationship formation, their widespread use has significantly decreased individuals’ comfort and willingness to engage in spontaneous, face-to-face interactions with strangers. (Ruben et al., 2021).  

This paper begins by reviewing scholarly literature on the intersection between digital technology and interpersonal relationships, highlighting key studies that illustrate how technology mediates contemporary social interactions. The methodological approach, involving personal interviews, is detailed to explain how firsthand narratives enrich my study. Following this, the findings from my interviews and subsequent documentary are presented, along with an evaluation of the project’s findings. The paper concludes with reflections on the implications of these findings, possible limitations of my study, and suggestions for further research.  

Literature Review  

There has been a fair amount of research underscoring the complexity of technology’s impact on interpersonal relationships. Vogels and Anderson’s (2020) research has revealed that digital distractions, primarily from smartphones and social media, frequently interrupt personal interactions, leading to tensions within romantic partnerships. The study highlights the dual role of technology as both an enhancer of connection as well as a source of relational strain as it reveals that 51% of partnered individuals feel their significant other is often or sometimes distracted by their cell phone during conversations, and 40% are at least occasionally bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on their mobile device (Vogels & Anderson, 2020). Another study by Vogels and McClain (2023) reports approximately three-in-ten American adults having used a dating app or website at some point. Younger generations show an even higher reliance on these digital methods (53%), supporting the significance of a shift away from traditional, in-person interactions toward virtual connection methods (Vogels & McClain, 2023). The survey also revealed that 12% of U.S. adults have married or entered into a committed relationship with someone they first met through a dating site or app, highlighting the role of online platforms in facilitating long-term relationships for a subset of users (Vogels & McClain, 2023).   

Castro and Barrada’s (2020) systematic review further explores the psychological and social implications of dating app usage, identifying correlations between frequent use and altered perceptions of relationships, self-esteem fluctuations, and heightened anxiety. Their findings suggest that digital interactions foster a unique set of expectations and experiences distinct from traditional face-to-face relationship dynamics (Castro & Barrada, 2020). The review additionally highlights the importance of self-presentations, noting that users often balance showing their “real” self and “ideal” self when creating their profile, with self-esteem playing a crucial role in the process (Castro & Barrada, 2020). While there is a common perception that dating platforms are primarily used for casual sex, studies consistently show that users also seek entertainment, socialization, curiosity, and committed romantic relationships (Castro and Barrad, 2020). This diversity in motives underscores the multifaceted nature of dating app usage and further shows how these platforms act as a place for people to engage in social interactions virtually.   

Ruben et al. (2021) found that extensive use of digital communication negatively affects individuals’ abilities to decode nonverbal cues accurately, potentially weakening face-to-face communication skills and comfortability. The researchers utilized two studies to determine whether technology use could enhance nonverbal decoding skills by providing additional practice opportunities, and another suggesting it could hinder these skills by reducing face-to-face interactions. Their findings showed that active users of technology–those who frequently post content–believed they had superior nonverbal decoding skills but performed worse than passive users–those who primarily consume content without engaging–performed better on these assessments despite not perceiving themselves as particularly skilled (Ruben et al., 2021). This diminished proficiency in interpreting nonverbal behaviors could lead to increased discomfort during in-person interactions, pushing individuals further into digital spaces where such cues are either reduced or absent.  

Subramanian (2017) explores how social media has fundamentally reshaped interpersonal interactions, emphasizing that digital platforms often diminish face-to-face communication skills and emotional depth. He argues that the habitual use of social media can reduce comfort and confidence in traditional, direct interactions (Subramanian, 2017). This shift aligns closely with Cultivation Theory (Gerbner & Gross, 1976) a sociocultural theory regarding the role of television in shaping viewers’ perceptions, beliefs, attitudes, and values suggesting that continuous digital exposure can alter perceptions of what constitutes normal interactions, making online platforms seem increasingly necessary and natural.  

Cultivation Theory, originally introduced by George Gerbner, provides an essential theoretical lens. According to this theory, prolonged exposure to media content significantly shapes an individual’s perceptions of reality, leading them to accept mediated representations as accurate reflections of social norms (Gerbner, 1969).  Social media and dating apps can cultivate users’ perceptions as the curated nature of social media profiles as well as the gamified experience of dating apps could lead users to develop unrealistic expectations about relationships and social interactions. This can result in individuals perceiving online interactions as more normative or even preferable, potentially diminishing their comfort and willingness to engage in face-to-face interactions.   

As described by Cook and Rice (2006), Social Exchange Theory explains interpersonal relationships as ongoing cost-benefit evaluations where individuals aim to maximize rewards and minimize costs. In this context of digital dating platforms, Social Exchange Theory may explain why individuals are increasingly favoring dating apps over face-to-face interactions. Communicating through media and apps reduces the perceived risks of rejection, as being rejected virtually or through an app creates less embarrassment than an in-person or even public rejections (Ruben et al., 2021). Apps also streamline matches based on compatibility and offer a broader selection of potential partners at the swipe of a finger, maximizing potential rewards with minimal effort (Castro & Barrada, 2020).  

Collectively, these scholarly conversations and studies highlight the powerful and influential role technology plays not only in facilitating connections but also in reshaping social perceptions of communication norms. This project will therefore specifically explore how these technologies influence face-to-face interpersonal interactions and dating behaviors, guided by the following research questions:   

RQ1: How has widespread use of the internet and social media impacted people’s willingness and comfort in forming new relationships through face-to-face interactions?   

RQ2: In what ways have dating apps shifted from optional tools to essential platforms for initiating romantic relationships in contemporary society?  

Methods  

For this project, qualitative methods, specifically semi-structured, filmed interviews, were employed. Interviews allow for in-depth exploration of personal narratives and experiences, providing rich data on participants’ subjective views of technology’s impact on their relationship-building processes. Participants were selected from different demographic groups with varied experiences of digital dating, face-to-face interactions, and general media usage and consumption. A total of eight participants were interviewed, Five identify as male and three identify as female. Six of the participants are in long-term committed romantic relationships, and two participants are single. All participants identify as heterosexual, and are in a similar age range of 21 to 23 years of age and are students at Cal Poly. Personal narratives can offer insights and nuances that survey methods risk overlooking. Semi-structured interviews facilitate open-ended conversations while maintaining a consistent thematic focus. Interviewees discussed their opinions by answering various questions such as, “Do you feel like people are less comfortable talking to strangers in public than they used to be?”, “Do you think social media has made it easier or harder to maintain meaningful relationships?”, “Have you ever avoided approaching someone in person because it felt easier or safer to connect online?”, and “Do you think we’re losing important communication skills due to our reliance on screens and apps?” Questions were altered depending on if the participant is currently in a relationship, and questions more specific to romantic relationships were also asked, such as, “have you ever met up with someone from a dating app?” This approach ensures both flexibility and depth in data collection, capturing various attitudes towards technology-mediated communication. Interviews were recorded to be integrated into a documentary film, enabling visual and auditory engagement with participant’s lived experiences, enhancing audience connection and understanding of complex social dynamics.  

Findings 

This project set out to explore how the internet and social media, as well as dating apps, have reshaped human connection and interpersonal comfort with face-to-face interaction. Through conducting and recording semi-structured interviews with eight college students of varying relationship statuses, the goal of these efforts has been to gather nuanced insights into how digital technologies mediate contemporary relationship formation. The accompanying documentary to this paper weaves together these personal narratives with themes from communication theory to visually narrate the shifting social norms around connection.  

Participants consistently noted that technology has made connecting with others more convenient in general, especially in terms of maintaining long-distance relationships and expanding access to potential romantic partners. However, it seems this convenience comes at a cost. Most participants described a diminished motivation or perceived need to initiate conversations in public settings with strangers. One participant explained, “I'd say I feel pretty comfortable talking to people I don't know, I just don't really want to most of the time.” Even when communicating with a familiar friend, another participant said, “...it's almost too much work sometimes to, like, have an in-person conversation with someone, or it's just inconvenient because I'm going to class or running to work because I'm late.” A common consensus between participants was that communicating through technology is often easier, taking less time and energy than a face-to-face interaction. Instead of viewing casual encounters, such as waiting in line or sitting in a coffee shop, as opportunities for social connection, people increasingly turn to their devices, defaulting to digital interaction. This behavior reflects existing research suggesting that face-to-face spontaneity is declining as digital habits and dependencies become more embedded (Ruben et al., 2021; Subramanian, 2017) There was a shared tendency to avoid random face-to-face interactions unless they offered a clear benefit. As one participant put it, “if it's just like a random interaction that has just like zero consequences and zero benefits, but also like, I don't know, no net gain and no net loss, I just don't do it.” This mindset reflects the logic embedded in Social Exchange Theory, which explains interpersonal behaviors as rational cost-benefit decisions (Cook & Rice, 2006). In digital contexts, where interactions can be curated and optimized for the most desirable outcomes, the unpredictable and effortful nature of in-person conversations becomes increasingly devalued. 

While most participants reported feeling comfortable and capable of initiating in-person conversations, few could recall doing so outside of structured environments like school or work. Meeting someone organically was described as rare, with social norms favoring digital introductions via mutual friends. When asked if any of the rare conversations with strangers had turned into something more than a surface level chat, like a successful friendship or relationship, no participants could recall such an interaction occurring with the exception of school and work. I asked the participants how they meet new people, and the resounding response was mainly through mutual friends. One participant shared, “It's like we have to share mutual friends or, on the rare occasion, it's like, you spend months in someone's comments, like comments section, and suddenly you see them in person and you might actually feel inclined, again, if you have mutuals, to say something to them. But for the most part, I don't think it's random conversations.” Another stated, “Very rarely I'll meet somebody, and we hit it off and become friends, especially with guys. It's usually just through mutuals honestly.” This trend in responses supports the premise of Cultivation Theory, which proposes that extended exposure to mediated realities influences perceptions of normalcy, making online interaction feel almost more normal than in-person engagement (Perera, 2023). 

Critical perspectives on the role of dating apps were also explored. Many participants acknowledged using them, a few of them have developed successful relationships through them, though many reported their use was not always for serious dating. Even the participants whose experience on a dating app resulted in a relationship stated that they were not using the app expecting to find a long-term partner. Some expressed frustration with how curated and performative the platforms can feel, noting that users often present idealized versions of themselves, essentially “catfishing” other users, and neglecting to show their authentic self. The curated aspect of social media and technological communication was frowned upon by most participants. One noted, “It's so much easier to revise something that we've written, over and over again, until it comes out in the perfect way as opposed to approaching these interactions in a more natural, organic way that isn't quite so, I don’t want to say, inauthentic … But it just kind of takes away from, yeah, I guess the authenticity.” This aligns with ideas of self-presentation, curated identities, and the blurred line between entertainment and connection on digital platforms (Castro & Barrada, 2020). Despite these concerns, there was also a shared recognition that dating apps have become an increasingly essential tool, especially in contexts beyond college campuses, where meeting like-minded adults organically is more difficult. Most participants could understand how, though maybe not for everyone, dating apps could lead to strong emotional relationships. Alternatively, some individuals remained strong in their belief that dating apps are not beneficial and should not be utilized. One participant who met their significant other on the app Hinge reported, “I have this great relationship that I would not have if it wasn’t for these apps.” Every participant reported knowing numerous couples, some even married, who met through a dating app, whether that be a friend, sibling, parent, or even grandparent.  

A recurring theme across interviews was the notion that face-to-face interactions are undeniably more meaningful than interactions through devices and screens. Even participants who admitted to occasionally avoiding in-person conversations, choosing the ease of texting or technology-mediated communication, expressed their preference of having important interactions face-to-face. When asked if they thought face-to-face interactions were more meaningful, one participant said, “1,000,000%. Like, it means a lot to have a face-to-face interaction rather than zoom text or email… I would rather send an email to have a face-to-face communication, honestly, rather than send an email to have a zoom call or ask a question via email.” This aligns with findings by Ruben et al. (2021), who observed a decline in nonverbal decoding skills and emotional fluency due to the reduced frequency of in-person interaction. The preference for face-to-face connection, even among highly digital young adults, reveals an undying emotional craving that technology cannot fully satisfy. It underscores a cultural paradox, highlighting how while we are technically more connected than ever before, we may also be more isolated from the depth of connection we instinctively recognize as most meaningful. 

The process of this project affirmed the relevance of both Cultivation Theory and Social Exchange Theory. Participants described how digital platforms reduce what seems to be the emotional “cost” of rejection and increase the reward of far-reaching access to others. Core concepts seen in Social Exchange Theory (Cook & Rice, 2006). Furthermore, the normalization of app and technology-based connections supports the notion that media exposure cultivates perceived social norms. Overall, these findings effectively demonstrate the tension between convenience and connection in digital culture in the realm of forming emotional relationships with others. While limitations include the scope of demography of the participant group (college students at the same institution), the thematic consistency across interviews suggests broader cultural patterns.  

Conclusion 

This project reveals that while digital tools have made connections more accessible, they have simultaneously undermined the comfort and spontaneity of face-to-face interaction. The most significant finding was that, despite participants regularly defaulting to texting or app-based communication, they overwhelmingly recognized in-person conversations as more meaningful. This contradiction illustrates how convenience-driven habits can conflict with deep emotional desires for authenticity and meaning. An additional important insight was how dating apps, which were once seen as optional tools, are increasingly viewed as necessary tools for initiating romantic relationships and meeting potential partners, particularly outside structured environments such as school and work.  

Nonetheless, this project had limitations. The sample was small and demographically narrow, with a sole focus on college students of similar ages from a single institution. Further research on this subject could include a broader range of participants, including varying age groups, cultural backgrounds, or geographic locations, in order to better understand how these trends manifest in different contexts. It may also be valuable to explore how specific app features and programming, such as swiping mechanics and algorithmic matching, influence user behavior and outcomes. 

While technology continues to advance and simultaneously reshape our social norms, the human desire for meaningful, face-to-face interaction has not fully disappeared, though maybe it has been muted. The access and ease technology allows may be a tool for connection in some ways, if the technology is used with proper intent, though it can quickly become merely a convenient alternative to in-person connection. If we are to preserve the social skills and emotional depth that form the foundation of human connection, we must become more intentional about how we invest our attention. Devices may offer efficiency, but it is with shared presence and unfiltered conversations that relationships can truly flourish.  

References (format error)

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Cook, K. S., & Rice, E. (2006, January). Social exchange theory. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227109881_Social_Exchange_Theory 

Gerbner, G. (1969). Toward “Cultural Indicators”: The Analysis of Mass Mediated Public Message Systems. AV Communication Review, 17(2), 137–148. http://www.jstor.org/stable/30217499 

Gerbner, G., & Gross, L. (1976, June). Living With Television: The Violence Profile. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/22223200_Living_With_Television_The_Violence_Profile 

Perera, A. (2023, September 7). Cultivation Theory In Media. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/cultivation-theory.html 

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Subramanian, K. (2017, August). Influence of Social Media in Interpersonal Communication. ResearchGate. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/319422885_Influence_of_Social_Media_in_Interpersonal_Communication 

Vogels, E. A., & McClain, C. (2023, February 2). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/ 

Vogels, E., & Anderson, M. (2020, May 8). Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age. Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech; Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/05/08/dating-and-relationships-in-the-digital-age/